Important note: If your relationship includes physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse - these are not the appropriate resources for managing this type and degree of conflict. Please let your coach know if your relationship involves any of these types of abuse and we suggest accessing www.thehotline.org/ for domestic violence sources if you are able to do so safely. 

Becoming parents truly changes everything: your routines, your priorities, your sleep, your time, and often, your connection with your partner. Even when you deeply love your partner, this season of life can bring more tension, miscommunication, or distance than you expected.

 

What do we know about how relationship satisfaction changes when you become parents?

If you’ve found yourselves arguing more, feeling misunderstood, or drifting apart since becoming parents, you’re not alone. One study followed over 200 couples for eight years, starting before they became parents, and followed a comparison group of couples who did not have children. The study observed a sudden drop in relationship quality right after the baby arrived – a decline twice as large as the decline we’d expect for couples without children – and that decline lasted for multiple years.

 

Some of the most common contributors to this decline include: 

 

• Sleep deprivation: Couples experiencing chronic sleep deprivation after a first baby show significant increases in irritability and conflict, and one study found that each additional night of poor sleep was associated with an increase in negative interactions with their partner the next day (...don’t even need research to know this!).  
• Division of household responsibilities: The transition to parenthood tends to create more unequal division of tasks. This is usually not because anyone is doing something wrong, but because the demands of caring for a newborn expand faster than most couples anticipate. When routines shift overnight, many couples suddenly find themselves in roles that don’t feel equitable, even when both partners are working incredibly hard. What predicts declines in satisfaction isn’t the imbalance itself, but whether the imbalance feels unfair or unacknowledged (i.e., it’s about the communication surrounding the imbalance).
• Mental health struggles: Mental health struggles in either partner are related to greater declines in relationship satisfaction for both partners. If you or your partner are struggling to cope with anxiety, depression, anger, or trauma while also trying to parent a little one (or two or three!), it usually feels like you are just trying to keep your head above water. For some couples, this means your partner often gets ignored on the back burner, and for others, it means your partner takes center stage as the closest or easiest target to let off steam. 
• Baby/child behavior. Your child’s temperament, behavior, and development can have an impact on your relationship! When babies struggle more with sleep, are challenging to soothe (e.g., colic), or are more difficult to parent over time (e.g., have attention problems, hyperactivity, and/or other medical, developmental, emotional, or behavioral challenges), the stress, anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion associated with these struggles can lead your relationship with your partner to suffer. 

This research paints a clear picture: even healthy, committed couples experience measurable, predictable relationship stress during the transition to parenthood because the circumstances are uniquely demanding. Unfortunately, we also know that this strain often does not improve on its own. 

 

Why is the journey into parenthood so hard for couples?

While the research shows how common these declines are, the day-to-day reality of early parenthood reveals why couples struggle so much. The transition brings a set of practical, emotional, and relational challenges that can make even strong relationships feel strained. 

 

• Less time and energy for one another. Becoming parents is all-consuming. Everything revolves around the baby, work, and logistics and usually both partners are left running on empty. This means that time to communicate, calmly and empathically, with your partner can easily fade to nonexistent. 
• Different coping styles. When everyone is overwhelmed and running on empty, stress is at an all-time high, and that can reveal big differences in how each partner copes with stress. For example, one partner may want to talk and process frequently; the other may withdraw and need alone time, or put their head down and try to focus on the million tasks. Neither approach is wrong, but a difference like this between partners can make it even more challenging for couples to connect during the new parenthood storm. 
• More opportunities for conflict. Often, the only time couples really communicate in the early months of new parenthood is when they disagree (about parenting choices, responsibilities, or how each partner shows love and support during this season, you name it!). These conflicts also come when neither partner has the bandwidth to engage patiently and productively, leading to escalating and/or festering conflicts. 
• A loss of friendship and fun. When conversations become mostly about sleep, feeding, schedules, discipline, etc., it’s really common to feel a major hole in your relationship where light-hearted fun, romance, and friendship used to be!